Poetry Pals - Week 15 - On Self-Love

Hello my people people,

This week over at

Poetry Pals

Nelly had us thinking about self love. Now this is an area I very much struggle with, I think a lot of us (certainly AFABs) struggle with this. Society, patriarchy, misogyny etc batter you down and make you always think you should be less you and more Mother, Wife, etc.; something else is meant to define you other than yourself. I’m fed up of being made to feel small, to feel I need to squash myself into the shape of something other than me. As a wife of an RAF officer I was very much required to fill a role, the one of a dutiful wife who was purely there to support her husbands career. In fact at the beginning of my forces wife life I was mentioned on my husbands annual appraisals and I impacted his career - possibly negatively if I didn’t tow the line. I wasn’t very good at that however, and luckily the practise was dropped before I made my husbands career completely untenable. But being someone else doesn’t help you work on loving you for you.

I’ve never had a good self image, I was never popular, never pretty, always thought I was fat - lol I am now, but at 16, 5’5”, and 7.5 stone, somehow I don’tthink I was! - and the thought that you ‘loved’ yourself was an anathema. I’ve worked hard over the years and I do feeling positive about many aspects of myself now but I’m still not sure I ‘love’ myself. Anyhow, enough self examination.

Our task…

Your writing prompt for this week:

I thought it would be fascinating and powerful to all write some poetry on the topic of self-love?

Are you irritated by the insipidness of the self-care industry? Do you struggle to fall in love with your flaws? Is there one part of yourself that you’ve cherished and what was the result? Do you find it a learning curve or are you great at it? What helps? What doesn’t? Is there something that angers you about this topic? Or do you fancy writing something tender?

Let’s write some poetry.

So, I needed to do some proper introspection. I’m not sure again. I’m almost beginning to think I’m doing this poetry writing thing wrong. Imposter syndrome again, maybe? I don’t think I fulfilled the prompt though.

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Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Refusing the Expectations

I refuse to be squashed,
I refuse to be made small, 
I refuse to be the image 
society forces on me

Not the suffocated wife,
Not the overwhelmed mother,
Not the simpering girlfriend, 
Oh no, not that world for me

I will be recalcitrant,
Belligerent and bolshy,
Stroppy and surly,
Yet assertive and assured.

I will be what I want, when I want, where I want.
I will dance in the rain soaking myself in abandon,
Spin atop the moors where the wind and birds fly free,
Sing without withholding until my voice is broken and husky,
Laugh until I snort and cry, (pelvic floor withstanding), 
Love without censure, 
Cry without restraint,
Feel everything, anything, freely.  
I will speak what I want, when I want, how I want.

It matters not what society thinks,
How it seeks to control and assert its dominance,
How it smothers and suppresses the weaker,
Always seeking control, to homogenise. 

I will be. Be. What. I. Want. 

I will be a fiery dragon, a whimsical forest spirit,
a glorious water sprite, a souring wind wraith.
I will be whatever I want.
I am magical, mystical, amazing and awe-inspiring,
beautiful and brilliant, creative and confident.
  
Inside I am strong
Inside I will resist
Inside I will defy
Inside I will persist

Outside I bloom.

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Hmm. I’ve definitely realised when I’m feeling physically poorly I struggle liking my poetry. If I have a good day I like it more. And, as usual, this week I’ve had 1 almost good for me day, 2 reasonable for me days, 2 meh days, and 1 shite day. Maybe that’s why I either can’t see my way forward or like what I write. I’ve also struggled to read this week, I keep forgetting to take my pills and that really doesn’t help, so I’m cross with myself for not managing the words I want. Anyhoos, onward and upward - I shall drag myself out of my grump (see here for my post on grump days) and be better next time.

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