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Margaret Ann Silver's avatar

Version 2 is definitely tighter. Two things I miss from the first one: "Fingers pink and grow numb" (I could feel it as I read it, and it's always so weird that your hands get red when super cold instead of white); and I actually would prefer "Dragon breath hangs in the air"--"dragon" stood out in the first version as such an unexpected little piece of whimsy, and the perfect way to describe breath coming out in the cold.

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Rita Ott Ramstad's avatar

I also vote for version #2, for the same reasons. I love the idea that winter smells like freezing metal. So visceral.

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