A Disastrous Mistake and its Consequences

Though well intentioned at the time

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Dear Red Cabbage Heads,

25+ years ago I made a huge mistake. Of momentous proportions. Of course, I did not see it then, but looking back and trying not to regret it is hard. It is what it is. It is impossible to change. It has had consequences I never expected. And even though I made that decision for very good reasons I don’t think I’ve ever been forgiven. I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had at the time. I did my best, but my best was the wrong choice. So let me enlighten you. It involves these three urchins, the older man on the left (my father) and his new woman (not pictured).

This photo was taken 6 months before my mother died, 6 months before our world shifted on its axis, 6 months before I made a decision that turned me into a pariah.

I know, I know, such hyperbole! What am I on about?!

Those children were 5, 3, and 14 months old at the time of this picture. They had 4 grandparents that doted on them. Grandparents we saw often. Within 6 months they had lost my mother. Their memories of her are of tales I tell, the photos I show, and a few rare moments of video I captured. It was the early 2000s and we didn’t all have video phones back then. Still photography taken on a *proper* camera was the still the norm.

It wasn’t an easy death, traumatic for all involved. She lingered brain dead for 10 awful days after they turned off the life support. They told us she’d last half an hour at most.

The eldest was vaguely aware of what was happening, the other two not really a clue. Death means little at 4 and nearly 2. The eldest was aware that Grandpa was very sad. That I was very sad. I spent a long, gentle time explaining to them all what was going on, and how we remember people in our hearts and head even if we don’t see them with our eyes. I took them to the funeral.

This was a contentious issue for some. But I remember being excluded from my Grandad’s funeral at 15 because I was needed to look after the younger children and I wanted to go and say goodbye. So I gave my 6 year old the choice and they wanted to come. So we all went. I had a wonderful friend who came on the day to help, she looked after the kids when needed, looked after me, handed tissues which I remember as coming in a little packet and having a pattern on them (very posh), and generally was an all round good egg. Thanks my dear. I’ve never forgotten.

Anyhoo, funeral over and we began making plans for my father. Until he scuppered them. And a new, old (as in a previous relationship before he met my mother) woman appeared on the scene. We were shocked. Greatly. My father was heartbroken and seemed inconsolable; so moving an old girlfriend into the house 4 weeks after the funeral we were all very surprised and a little bit angry. She left her then husband, he obviously very recently widowed. We’d been making arrangements for him/with him to come live with us during the week and visit the family home at the weekend to sort stuff out with us there (we lived only an hour and a bit away at that point) until he felt strong enough to live there alone. So we were incredibly shocked to realise what he’d been arranging behind our backs. Her adult kids, 6 of them, stopped talking to her. My siblings, 3 of them, stopped talking to him.

Photo by Santa Barbara on Unsplash

And this was where I made the greatest mistake of my life, one that has dogged me through the decades ever since. We didn’t cut off communication like the others did, even though we wanted to. I had a frank discussion with R and we talked about how this would affect the kids (the only grandkids on both sides at that point) and decided that it would be too much for them to lose both grandparents so quickly, so we bit our tongues and ‘went with it’ for the children’s sake. It was truly a decision made as parents and nothing else. I don’t think my siblings ever understood nor forgave us. For the first year it was strained but okay, she didn’t actively engage with the kids, saying she would wait for them to come to her, but the aura she gave off meant they rarely did, approaching her with caution. She judged them and they felt it. Then gradually her children began to talk to her again, and my siblings did too, and we were ousted on our ears. Our purpose fulfilled. And yes, I believe it was as cynical as that. We were useful up to a point for them to show that we supported and accepted them, and to used against the others to show them how wrong they were, and then when the others came round, especially her kids, we were shuffled out of view.

Eventually my kids lost my father, their Grandpa, decades before he died. It was just a much longer drawn out affair. I have written a bit more about it previously (and even stole a paragraph or two - cos why write it again when you don’t have to?)

And, I feel, that year destroyed my relationship with my siblings. I was on the outside after that. We’ve toddled along since, with me feeling left out a lot of the time, feeling like the add on because that’s what you are meant to do with family. There are specific examples but I’m not getting into them today. But I have that feeling that people are being sneaky and underhand with the truth, and very definitely have a relationship with each other that is way beyond what I have, and yet pretend all is good. I can feel it. I know what’s what. R sees it too and assures me I’m not imagining it. I’ve talked it over with friends to understand their take, and see how I can remedy it and they all agree too with me. I’ve twisted my mind into many shapes looking at it from all angles, and it can only be this. Can only be that awful mistake I made 25 years ago.

And yes, a lot of it doesn’t really matter, expect …. the others are kept in the loop, and isn’t that what families are meant to do? Talk to each other rather than discover stuff on social media? I wanted to be a sister who would help load a van on moving day, who would allay fears or go to drs appointments if needed, who would help out with nephews and nieces, know about those kids, meet significant others, not have to beg to be seen, (I don’t beg I won’t bend that far but it feels like that’s what I need to do), who would be there as much as is possible when you have an awful energy limiting illness that has lasted 20 years. And if they had an issue with me they should tell me and if I could rectify it I could, and if not then I would leave. But at least I would know. One sibling refuses to talk about that time, another barely puts two words together in replies, another obfuscate and lies even if by omission. I absolutely abhor lies.

Photo by Resat Kuleli on Unsplash

Things came to a head again a while ago. Another ‘family get together’ which apparently wasn’t a family get together posted on social media. Didn’t know about it until after the event upon seeing the photos. AGAIN! This is my father and the step-witch all over again. This is realising my stepsister had a baby because I saw it in the picture of the family party my family wasn’t invited to, but the others were.

I did confront my siblings. One actually admitted that they held it against me that I wasn’t there for my father’s actual death. That the step-witch had said I could easily have made it and chose not to. That was an outright lie. So normal for her, to lie and mislead. What she told me, what she told the others individually all different. And no one will talk about it.

She told me she told my dad I couldn’t make it because I was ill. I doubt she did, she probably badmouthed me to his dying breath. 
I told her we would try to be there but we were hours away, away from home, and didn’t pick up the message until hours had passed due to circumstances with my eldest child, but would try. He didn’t last. 
She told me one brother howled so loudly coming down the hospital corridor he woke up the whole ward and the nurses were not impressed. I very much doubt he did.
She told me my father was being sick every 5 mins, but when I mentioned this back to her she didn’t know what I was talking about. 
She told my siblings I could have easily made it but chose not to - implying I didn’t care. 
I have no idea what else she told the others or my father, and a part of me doesn’t care, I am no contact with her now and the relief is immense.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Now, I don’t think it is a requirement to be at someone’s death. I think not being there is NOT a reason to hold a grudge against a person as one of my brothers has. I actually think it’s quite cruel to punish someone for something like that AND not talk to them about it, so they have no idea why they are being punished or for what. Along with other grudges they have held against me over the years without understanding my illness at all and hove only just told me about. But at least they finally told me and I could make a decision based on that. I have gone very, very, very, very low contact with them now.

Another sibling feels they don’t need to tell annyone anything about their life. That not making contact with someone for years is fine. And that’s their right, but it’s strange because when we have met up they are like an interrogation machine and grill me for details and reasons of my life, until I’m confused and irritated, all without revealing anything about themselves. I’m not playing that game anymore. When asked if they even thought that a family get together might be nice with all of us, they said I ‘never cross their mind’. So I’ve gone low contact with them now.

The final sibling is also reticent to communicate beyond the surface. I tried and was told no. They like the phone, I abhor the phone. I like emails, they dislike them as it reminds them of work. WhatsApp works a little, messages are brief though and rare. I’ve not taken a deliberate low contact stance, I just mirror the energy coming from them.

Photo by Arun Anoop on Unsplash

I have had to reassess my understanding of what family is now, what family connection should be, and how my siblings see it. I’ve talked before of how I prefer regular connection and dissemination of information. I realise now that my siblings don’t think like that. A brief Happy Birthday/Christmas is actually enough for them. And that is very much their right to be like that. My reaction to that is my problem only, not theirs. It’s now my job to adjust my wants, desires, and expectations. My siblings are now effectively my acquaintances. We rarely talk, rarely meet, don’t tell each other stuff (I’ve stopped sharing now) and that’s exactly my definition of an acquaintance. I feel now if we weren’t actually family then we wouldn’t even do that. It does make me feel a little lonely.

Now I understand a lot of people would disagree with my actions. And that’s fair. But … I’m fecking 58 years old and my people pleasing days are behind me. If contact with my siblings causes me stress and grief, and circular thoughts that intrude for weeks after each interaction (or lack of) then it isn’t worth it. Maybe they wouldn’t turn up at my funeral now, I don’t care, I won’t know. For some family is everything and worth the grief. For me, this family no longer is. Maybe it’s a neurodivergent thing. The old black and white thinking, once a thing is dead and gone, it’s dead and gone. It’s taken years to come to this decision. 2 years ago I seriously contemplated not telling them we were moving, or sending them my new address. I couldn’t see the point. When we move again I will probably not tell them until the next Xmas card. I’m done.

One mistake 25 years ago, ruined it all … or did it? Did that one decision really ruin my relationships? Or am I just an awful person they don’t want to be with? Or did the step-witch finally win? Her divide and conquer campaign, especially as my father lay dying, finally working? I grey rocked¹ her for years. I am now no contact and my one pleasure from that is knowing she will be livid at me now for not being able to manipulate me anymore.

Anyhoo, enough navel gazing. Ta-ra for now, Tx

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1. Grey rock - The "grey rock" technique is a communication strategy used to minimise interaction with manipulative or emotionally abusive individuals by becoming emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting, like a grey rock. By withholding emotional reactions, the goal is to deprive the person of the attention or drama they seek, thus reducing their engagement with you.