Oh my goodness, I relate to almost every word of this (just replace autism for adhd and I'm there!). I've been ghosted by almost all my friends and family too, nobody bothers with me (save for one friend who does message but I haven't seen in ages and she usually just wants to dump and run). I've felt so lonely and sad by it (hello RSD) and it's also stopped me making new friendships because I dread being dumped and can't trust people either. My therapist tells me it isn't me, but I'm pretty sure I don't believe her!! Thanks for sharing (I'm happy to have you as an online friend and looking forward to meeting up IRL at some point!!)
That sounds tough. A friend once said to me - decades ago - that she was cooling things with a person in her life because that person “didn’t understand phones run in both directions”. I’ve also lived long enough to find that sometimes a friendship comes back after an absence, if we are open to that. I’m wondering do you miss those friends for their innate qualities? I ask because I have sometimes been so busy trying to be a ‘good friend’, trying to keep a connection alive, that I didn’t ask myself if I still (or ever) felt safe and seen with that person... when I realised the answer was ‘no’ some of my pain went away (for me). Even in the great silence.
Interesting question. At the moment I don’t miss those qualities, because I haven’t been on the receiving end of them for many years. I don’t miss them really, and I was veering towards resentment of them. At the moment I can say what we had years ago was good and that was good, what we have had recently was bad and I don’t need to dwell on that (now I’ve released it into internet world). Would I trust them if they came back? No. It would never be the same. I would never trust them in the same, never be as open, always holding back. It wouldn’t feel safe, like you say. It could be an interesting brief interlude but I couldn’t go back to the beginning. So I suppose, yes it helps to analyse it and release that you don’t have much to miss and that helps the pain.
My psychologist assures me that those of us with energy limiting chronic illness need to save energy for the people with whom we feel ‘both held and free’ even if they haven’t yet drifted into our lives. It can be a very lonely process.
This is a hard one. I've had several friendships end abruptly (sometimes with an explanation, sometimes a very definite ghosting) and it takes years to recover from that kind of grief.
yep, ive had a good few just vanish and its hard, I don't think I've ever had an explanation and yes you wonder what you did wrong and grieve for years. maybe that why I hold on for so long to friendships that arent working
This is just me (not trying to say it’s you too), but sometimes I feel like I need to adjust what I need/want from friendships in order to keep going with them. Like, some of my friendships give me a lot of spiritual support/richness; some are filled with jokes and similar taste in books and trading what’s worked for crazy cramps; some have deep shared history but not a lot of contact (but the contact when it happens is very special). When I was younger, my friendships were definitely more all-inclusive—friends that covered all areas of life. So that’s been a big adjustment for me.
Earlier in my life I did have different friends for different aspects of my life and that was good, until they buggered off. Now I think my life is so different and many don’t want reminding that life can end up this way when you have a chronic illness so I have very few friends left. My remit for friendship isn’t big though, be a decent person and don’t leave all the emotional labour to me really.
I have the same struggles with friendships Tamsin. This made me feel very seen and didn’t feel too long at all. P.S. If you want to exchange letters I’d love to. 💌
I also relate very much to this. I don’t think you, we are wrong for wanting, needing or expecting friendships to feel like an actual friendship. Thank you for your writing.
I'm sorry you have had such difficult and confusing relationships, and I recognise some of them, and the demoralising confusion you feel.
Recently I have been trying (and it's not easy, I know) to realise that we NEVER entirely know where the intended recipient of our 'bid for connection' is in their head, their lives, their day, their life-experience. It may not actually be about ME ...
And then I try to cut them some slack.
It helps, I promise 😊.
Oh and you might be interested to read around the concept of 'bids for connection', which my therapist introduced me too, and I find immensely helpful. Best wishes your way.
I do think I’m rather generous with the amount of slack I cut 99% of the time. After many, many years of giving slack, something has to give; and that will be the relationship. And with my ME/CFS I don’t have the energy to spend giving even more slack. Its just best sometimes to cut and run.
Oh my goodness, I relate to almost every word of this (just replace autism for adhd and I'm there!). I've been ghosted by almost all my friends and family too, nobody bothers with me (save for one friend who does message but I haven't seen in ages and she usually just wants to dump and run). I've felt so lonely and sad by it (hello RSD) and it's also stopped me making new friendships because I dread being dumped and can't trust people either. My therapist tells me it isn't me, but I'm pretty sure I don't believe her!! Thanks for sharing (I'm happy to have you as an online friend and looking forward to meeting up IRL at some point!!)
I'm fairly certain I have ADHD too. I am pleased you get it. I don't think it is you, I think it is them. But I don't get it at all.
I'm still looking for a place to meet up - found one great place only for it to close on 31st Oct for Winter. Doh!
That sounds tough. A friend once said to me - decades ago - that she was cooling things with a person in her life because that person “didn’t understand phones run in both directions”. I’ve also lived long enough to find that sometimes a friendship comes back after an absence, if we are open to that. I’m wondering do you miss those friends for their innate qualities? I ask because I have sometimes been so busy trying to be a ‘good friend’, trying to keep a connection alive, that I didn’t ask myself if I still (or ever) felt safe and seen with that person... when I realised the answer was ‘no’ some of my pain went away (for me). Even in the great silence.
Interesting question. At the moment I don’t miss those qualities, because I haven’t been on the receiving end of them for many years. I don’t miss them really, and I was veering towards resentment of them. At the moment I can say what we had years ago was good and that was good, what we have had recently was bad and I don’t need to dwell on that (now I’ve released it into internet world). Would I trust them if they came back? No. It would never be the same. I would never trust them in the same, never be as open, always holding back. It wouldn’t feel safe, like you say. It could be an interesting brief interlude but I couldn’t go back to the beginning. So I suppose, yes it helps to analyse it and release that you don’t have much to miss and that helps the pain.
Thank you for your insightful comment.
My psychologist assures me that those of us with energy limiting chronic illness need to save energy for the people with whom we feel ‘both held and free’ even if they haven’t yet drifted into our lives. It can be a very lonely process.
This is a hard one. I've had several friendships end abruptly (sometimes with an explanation, sometimes a very definite ghosting) and it takes years to recover from that kind of grief.
yep, ive had a good few just vanish and its hard, I don't think I've ever had an explanation and yes you wonder what you did wrong and grieve for years. maybe that why I hold on for so long to friendships that arent working
This is just me (not trying to say it’s you too), but sometimes I feel like I need to adjust what I need/want from friendships in order to keep going with them. Like, some of my friendships give me a lot of spiritual support/richness; some are filled with jokes and similar taste in books and trading what’s worked for crazy cramps; some have deep shared history but not a lot of contact (but the contact when it happens is very special). When I was younger, my friendships were definitely more all-inclusive—friends that covered all areas of life. So that’s been a big adjustment for me.
Earlier in my life I did have different friends for different aspects of my life and that was good, until they buggered off. Now I think my life is so different and many don’t want reminding that life can end up this way when you have a chronic illness so I have very few friends left. My remit for friendship isn’t big though, be a decent person and don’t leave all the emotional labour to me really.
I get that. The emotional labor being one-sided is very painful.
I have the same struggles with friendships Tamsin. This made me feel very seen and didn’t feel too long at all. P.S. If you want to exchange letters I’d love to. 💌
thank you. I think I've still got your address - I'll start.
I also relate very much to this. I don’t think you, we are wrong for wanting, needing or expecting friendships to feel like an actual friendship. Thank you for your writing.
thank you. these things are hard to write so it is good to know they resonate a little
I'm sorry you have had such difficult and confusing relationships, and I recognise some of them, and the demoralising confusion you feel.
Recently I have been trying (and it's not easy, I know) to realise that we NEVER entirely know where the intended recipient of our 'bid for connection' is in their head, their lives, their day, their life-experience. It may not actually be about ME ...
And then I try to cut them some slack.
It helps, I promise 😊.
Oh and you might be interested to read around the concept of 'bids for connection', which my therapist introduced me too, and I find immensely helpful. Best wishes your way.
I do think I’m rather generous with the amount of slack I cut 99% of the time. After many, many years of giving slack, something has to give; and that will be the relationship. And with my ME/CFS I don’t have the energy to spend giving even more slack. Its just best sometimes to cut and run.
I am aware of bids for connection, these friendships I have ditched gave nothing. Silence, I feel, is never a bid for connection.
No indeed...I have been more thinking about my own bids for connection, where some of them stem from.
Ah I see, yes. I am aware of it and use it in my life with immediate family etc.
Certainly...I just find it helps me mitigate the pain it all causes me... apologies if I have offended
No offence taken, its a sensitive subject, isn't it?